Monday, April 19, 2010

I still love you Daddy !

April is a pretty rough month for me. I have lost a few people that I was very close to, my Dad being my biggest loss.

My Granny March 12th 1909 - April 1st 2000
My Dad September 18th 1938 - April 20th 2008
And my friend Patrick , who passed away the day of my Dad's funeral April 26, 1969 - April 23, 2008

I used to see my Dad everyday. We would go out to eat, or go shopping, or just go to the park. Whatever we wanted to do we did it. One day, he didn't call. I was busy that day so didn't think too much about it. When he didn't call the next day, I got worried and went to his house to see if he was home. I found him collapsed by his door and called an ambulance. That was September 1st 2005. He never left the hospital after that , he was sent to a nursing home.

He was a little weird before he went to the hospital. I knew something was up (on start of dementia and he was a Hoarder) which was why I was with him every day. Not at the point yet that he couldn't take care of him self , I just had to remind him of things. He also drank a lot...I tried as much as I could to get him to drink less but I couldn't control WHAT he did, I just helped him do the things that he wanted to do.

After he went to the nursing home they gave him pills. He started forgetting who we were. He saw me everyday and I had to remind him who I was. He loved my kids so much and he forgot who they were. I stopped bringing them to see him because all they wanted to do was play and I couldn't get them to sit still , they would just run around in the nursing home. All they were worried about was if Grandpa had candy to give them.

I hate nursing homes and I still stick to my belief that they make people WORSE. The same thing happened to my Granny. I had promised my Dad I would take care of him and that I wouldn't let him go to a nursing home and I couldn't do anything to stop it.

I STILL Have issues where I will start crying when something that reminds me of him pops into my mind. It still feels like it was just yesterday that I lost him. He had long white hair and He used to always wear a red hoodie and ride him bike, and whenever I see someone with hair like his, or someone riding a bike with a red hoodie I have to take a second look. In that moment my mind thinks, maybe he isn't gone. Maybe thats him.

I don't know if the pain will ever end. It still hurts as bad as it did the day I took him to the hospital 5 years ago. Maybe it never ends.


latebutinearnest said...

Wow Missy....the old saying "hurting people hurt others" is true....

Patty (Mummatutu) said...

I agree with you about nursing home... they do make people worse... I also think they don't get nearly the care or respect they need in them... However, sometimes we can do nothing about our loved ones going into them... The best advice I would have for anyone facing a loved one going into a nursing home is pay attention to how the other residence are treated because while you are there your loved one will be the King or Queen but when you leave they will be treated like they are treating the guy down the hall... Been on the back scene of nursing home (worked on an ambulance) and I always noticed that nurses were nice in front of the family but when the family left everything changed! Ask lots of question to the nurses and become a pain in the butt... It really does get them the best of care because they know someone is there! So sorry for your loss, I don't know what I will do when my Dad is no longer around....